Sunday, April 3, 2011
SLOWLY COMING BACK...Where Is My Mind?
My mind has been everywhere else but on blogging. It's been a whirlwind of a Holiday Season & New Year for us to say the least. It started with my surprising and happy pregnancy in November. Then kind of went on a downward trend with one of my cousins committing suicide just after Thanksgiving, my husband's Grandpa becoming ill, my miscarriage in January, my Grandma failing health, and my husband's grandpa's passing.
I finally feel like I'm getting bearings. I've learned a lot about loss, and forgiveness in these past few months.
I found myself feeling so much anger toward my grandma and family for my childhood experiences. I was verbally abused by my grandmother when she lived with us (when I was 5 until 17 years old). She would call me "fat, lazy, good for nothing" among other things...
I realize now that people do the best with what they know. And my Grandmother herself has her own personal demons-- whatever they may be we will never know.
She will probably never have such a loving, and heartfelt funeral like my husband's grandfather. She has never been that person to anyone. But that's okay.
I can spend a lifetime feeling sorry for myself... but that will only bring me a life of sorrow. Or I can realize that life is what I create it to be and open up a lifetime of open doors, and opportunities.
In light of the Japan Disaster with so much loss and devastation, I am instead recognizing how much I should cherish and appreciate all that I do have.
I love our home, family means everything... and Emily Jay is such a joy. In January I passed the LCSW exam that I keep talking about, and I am working on becoming a better human being.
2011 will bring a new me. And hopefully new and fresh things to this blog.